I have never felt the urge to be a mom. But he doctor confirmed it this morning: After 13 years of marriage, we are going to be parents.
After thirteen years of marriage with two cats, our family is getting a plus one.
I stare at the clean white tile in the shower. I think I turned off the shower, because I am dripping. I feel like I have come apart from myself. I towel off and look at my belly. There is someone in there now. The doctor confirmed it this morning. I have not told my husband. He is due home soon. I know he will be excited. I am still trying to comprehend it all.
Two months ago, I walk away from the third doctor who confirmed that I would never get pregnant naturally. I was only a little sad. I have never felt the urge to be a mom. At our thirteenth wedding anniversary my husband announced he was ready to have kids. My brain still trying to absorb my shock. We have been together for over fifteen years.
Parenthood never found us; I was happy to not be a mom and enjoy our freedoms.
I hear the car door slam outside. I hurry to get dressed and go downstairs to greet him. I pass by the wine rack filled with aged wine that I will not sip for a long time. After idle chitchat, I ask him what is he doing September 6th (my due date). He picks me up and swings me around. Grabbing the camera, he records the two of us minutes after we become three.
Michael fills a glass of Perrier for me and cracks a bottle of wine to toast our news. I look longily at the wine. I swear I could smell it from a mile away. With a ‘tink’ of cheers our life began to change.
The rest of the pregnancy flew. I am in overdrive with work and packing up boxes. We are determined to move to a better neighborhood before our baby comes. When we ate at pubs, I would indulge in a non-alcoholic beer (not the same, but I pretend.) My husband’s life is still work and play. I did resent it at times. We take pre-natal classes together and get in trouble for talking. My body is so uncomfortable.
In the eighth month, we settle in our new home. I start maternity leave. All I can do is eat, sleep and pee. My sleepless nights already start before the baby is even here.
Eleven days overdue, I deliver a healthy, beautiful daughter. After the seventy hours of labor, I am euphoric to not be pregnant. The look my husband gives me after he’s met our daughter thrills me. I never question if he is going to be a good dad. I worry that I will not be a good wife or mom (not necessarily in that order).
Weeks skate by. Holding my five-week-old daughter in the wee hours of the morning is exhausting and lonely. I let my husband sleep, as his job requires him to be alert. I cannot have him passing out on a roof.
When she turns eight weeks old, I find us in the living room curled up again on the couch. When I say ’found ourselves’, it means I do not remember getting her. Sleep walking is the norm. It is no wonder why at night when she finally sleeps, I do not want sex. I need sleep. Michael understands, to a point. Sleep deprivation leads to me not eating well. Eating junk because it is easier to find. My post partum is extreme due to my inability to breast feed. A lot of baggage. The housework is last on the list. I am not a great housekeeper or cook.
The night he comes home from a ‘guy’s night’, I am so pissed off at his freedom that I pick a fight. I am ready to leave. Stay-at-home life is lonely.
Two years later, we are getting ready to go out on an actual date: Michael’s work Christmas party. Our newest baby daughter is fast asleep in her crib. Our three-year-old girl is in her pajamas waiting for her Auntie to come and babysit. I do not know why I am so nervous. It is the first time we will have left our girls for a date. The baby will be okay for a couple of hours. Our eldest is happy her Aunt is coming.
I know I owe my best friend some adult time. As soon as we leave, it is as if I took a step into another world. It feels odd. Once we arrive at the restaurant, I place my cell phone discreetly in my lap and down a glass of wine. We are seated in the middle of the table. I know a few people and got in on the conversations. After I talk about our girls, I was out of conversation. We sat there in comfortable silence. I still worried about the girls.
At the end of every day, I know how important it is to re-connect with my husband. We go days without any one-on-one time together.
Nowadays, we eliminate the small useless crap. It is a waste of our time. When we are unable to get a sitter to go outside the house for dates, we make sure we have date nights on the couch watching a show or movie, playing on the Wii or sharing a bottle of wine and being cozy. Nearby is the baby monitor to remind us of reality. I never imagined I would be a mom. Now, I could not imagine my life with out my girls or my husband.
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