One husband reveals his inner thoughts--and fears--when he learns his life is changing.
“Hey!”
“Hey, back.”
She stood at the top of the hill, with a smile on her face that stretched from ear to ear. While she playfully looked down at me, she began to bounce down the hill, hopping and skipping lightly on the fresh green grass. Her blonde hair was bouncing with her moves as she made her way to the edge of the break wall were I stood, fishing pole in hand. I noticed that she was carrying a little white stick between her forefinger and thumb. She was waving it in the air as if it was a peace flag of sorts. Wiggling it in the spring air, I noticed that her beautiful blue eyes held a film of mist over them. On the stick were two distinct pink lines.
“Yeah?”
“Yes!”
“Really?” my stomach began to ache and make that noise it does when you’re really nervous.
“Really!”
Still smiling, she hugged me so tight that my breath went out of me. Or, maybe my breath just left me having realized the news. She kissed me on the lips and I could tell that she was extremely excited. Sweat was beginning to pour out from my skin.
“Well, you must have done something right!” she had said in a kidding manner.
Laughing along I mumbled “yeah, you too….Viva la Mexico!!!” It had been six weeks since our vacation there. I began to reflect on our trip and a smirk crept across my lips as she began to blush. Obviously she was remembering too. It was one of the most amazing vacations and we felt like we were back on our honeymoon.
“What do you think? Are you excited?” she asked me nudging me on my Adam’s apple. Holding back the nerves I replied, “Yes, I am…I am very happy! Now, the hard part is not telling anyone for a while. Do you think we can pull it off?” I had heard that it was not good to tell people about a pregnancy until 12 weeks in case something bad happened like a miscarriage and I didn’t want to play around with any superstitions.
“We’ll see” was her reply, and she turned to leave me there without a fish on my hook or a breath in my lungs. With the lack of oxygen to my brain I began to feel dizzy. I looked out over the water and began to contemplate what had just happened. Being the person that I am, and like most men, instantaneously a thousand ‘whatifs’ began to manifest inside my head. Whatif I’m a horrible father? Whatif I do things wrong? Whatif my life changes? Whatif I won’t have the time to complete everything I want to do? Whatif…Whatif….Whatif? After analyzing the questions that were racing through my head, the oxygen was finally returning and I could feel my face flush with color.
I had seen many movies about this subject and all of them held some sort of humor. In 9 months, the character played by Hugh Grant drove his car off the road and into a fence, ruining his beautiful red Porche. In Parenthood and Father of the Bride Two, Steve Martin’s character, George Banks, freaks out at the notion of first becoming a grandfather, and then learning that he would also become a father again, ultimately leading to a few unflattering moments. I breathed deeply, taking in the cool breeze from the water as my temperature began to come back to a normal level. I thought to myself I don’t have a Porche to ruin and I don’t want to end up like Mr. Martin who had reached defcon 5 on the freak out meter. I was determined to take this in stride. Plus, I only had one fishing pole. If I damaged this one…I may not get another. I was better than that and this was my moment to prove it. I breathed in…out…in. I didn’t freak out like I always thought I would. I didn’t freak out!!!
Glancing back up the hill, I could see my wife bouncing her way to the house, stick in hand and a smile on her face, glowing. There was something about her at that moment. I couldn’t recognize it at first but then it came to me. I knew right there and then that everything would all be alright for us. Sure, I didn’t really have a stable job. I don’t make that much money. I am only 28 but feel like I sometimes have the maturity level of a 16 year old. I like to sleep in when I can. I enjoy going to the gym and hanging out with my friends. Drinking and staying out late has always been fun for me…but will it all change?
This question has kept me from starting a family in the first place. What will change? Will I never see my friends? Will we ever be able to go on vacation or stay out all night without worrying about the consequences? The truth is parenthood will change things. But how will it change things?
My friends have children of their own and I still get to see them. We still hang out on the water and laugh and talk and do pretty much the same things we used to do. Yeah, they don’t sleep in anymore but they get to hold onto their child and wake up next to them every morning. They have more responsibilities now but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. When I see my friends with their children they have a certain aura about them. Maybe it is joy or maybe it is a sense of pride and accomplishment. Maybe it is just parenthood. Whatever it is, I saw that in my wife as she was bouncing up the hill. Pride. Accomplishment. Joy.
Joy for the things we have. Joy for the things we will have. My wife has it right. And in that moment of happiness in her eyes I knew. I knew that things would be alright. Maybe that’s why I didn’t pass out or fall into the lake from the sheer shock of the news. Maybe that’s why I didn’t freak out. Maybe I truly am ready for all of this. I won’t really know for another 7 ? months but I found myself smiling at my reflection in the wake of the water. I looked down at myself and saw a man staring back at me. He wasn’t older than me…just felt older, more mature than he ever felt. Grinning, he winked at me and said “time to grow up”
Looking back out to the water I cast out my line a few more times. I didn’t catch anything. I didn’t even get any bites. My mind was racing one hundred miles a minute but my face held a terrific grin. Usually I would be disappointed at not catching any fish. However, I had the sun on my face, the cool wind pushing my hair, and the thought of my wife having my child on my mind. I didn’t need to catch anything that day, or for that matter, ever again. I had already caught the biggest and best prize of all. And she was at the top of the hill waiting for me to come up.
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